“Hmmm… ” Slow intake of breath. “That’s right… It’s your dad who had the breast cancer…” recognition dawning as he squints at the data on the computer screen.
A solemn nod from me.
“Two separate occurrences?” he asks, though it’s more of a statement as he already knows the answer which is spelled out in clear Helvetica 10-point on the monitor before his spectacled eyes.
We share a moment of deliberate eye contact. I look away first. He turns back to the digital records with renewed concentration.
No one enjoys flummoxing their doctor, unless it’s some singular distinction of good health, like having perfect cholesterol levels, or never having taken an antibiotic in one’s entire life. I can claim neither.
But I do have an exceptional family medical history. My mother died suddenly due to complications of lung cancer surgery at the age of 51. Surprisingly, it generally merits barely a second glance. The detail that sets up the backs of even the most mild-mannered healthcare professionals is my dad’s ominous diagnosis from 28 years ago. By now I’ve come to expect it, the raised eyebrows, the double take, and even the audible gasp. At my physical this week, the pow wow with the doc started in a very orthodox manner as he perused my records. But once he was confronted with the little stray tidbit that my father is my primary link to breast cancer…
I’ll let that sink in for a moment. Feel free to reread to make sure you’ve gotten that right. Yep, it was my dad who had breast cancer, my perfectly ordinary, masculine, male father had breast cancer. To be even more clear, for those of you struggling to comprehend this medical oddity, he did not have a fleshy chest like most women; he had a normal one, typical of any man, that just so happened to be the unlikely target for malignancy, hence the “breast” cancer
The rest of my own medical history contains nothing out of the ordinary beyond that little nugget of circus freakishness. Yet, doctors, colleagues, and even friends are continually stunned at the discovery. I resort to an almost auto-pilot explanation in response to their incredulity.
“No. Not my mom. It was my father who had the breast cancer…”
Look of confusion.
“Your dad had breast cancer? How is that even possible?!”
My beloved dad who has been deceased for nine years underwent two mastectomies. The first surgery was a success. But he developed cancer again on the other side many years later. It was a few years after his second mastectomy, that we learned the surgery hadn’t eradicated all the cancerous cells. The radiologist’s report detailed a suspicious dark spot on his lower spine. The cancer had metastasized.
For almost ten years, my father, a WWII veteran, valiantly lived with breast cancer. While it was literally in his bones, it also manifested in bumps and lesions on his scalp, face, and neck. His barely-there chest was marred with two skin craters where his pecs used to be—the scars a visible reminder of his unusual struggles with an otherwise female disease.
This unusual story is detailed in my medical files. Dare I forget, I am often forced to rewrite it at every new doctor appointment where family history is required with the standard paperwork. Beyond the paper trail evidence, it is profoundly memorialized elsewhere. It is indelibly inscribed on my own heart. On most days, I live with the memory of my dad’s battle and our strange genetic link in the same way I deal with other hereditary characteristics, such as my short stature, or the dark circles around my eyes. There’s no changing it. I wish that it wasn’t the case, but alas, it’s just who I am. I’m gratefully resigned to my doctor’s recommendation for a yearly mammogram and breast MRI. They’re tracking me closer than an escaped tiger at the zoo. Other days, I face it with less aplomb. Twice I have received troubling results that required a follow-up. Once I had to endure a needle biopsy. I cried as I put on the hospital gown. The biopsy was negative. But it is a constant challenge to accept and make peace with my strong genetic proclivity for the disease.
Though I’ve come to expect a reaction from others when they learn about my dad—I still bristle as I did in the doctor’s office this week. It’s hard to take the concerned, knowing looks. I don’t blame the doctor. I acknowledge it’s a strange thing. I live with the threat of a disease that has afflicted so many women…and my father.
My dad endured a lot—endless doctor visits, being poked, prodded and scanned regularly, incontinence, blood transfusions, frailty, fatigue, and pain. I witnessed his decline. Amazingly, it was not the metastatic breast cancer that claimed his life. While it undoubtedly weakened him beyond measure, it was a combination of old age and the strain of heart problems that eventually overpowered him. But I will never forget how he faced his breast cancer like the man that he was. He bore it heroically and united his pain with Christ’s suffering on the cross. When I recall his example, I am better able to confront those sobering reactions and the uneasy feelings they elicit within me.
Traditionally a pink ribbon commemorates those afflicted with breast cancer. We’ve all seen the pink roses, hats, shirts and soft, feminine marketing campaigns meant to increase awareness. Although my swarthy, handsome father of Italian descent could sport pastel shirts with a movie star quality—I don’t think the pink ribbon is an accurate representation of his journey. He faced breast cancer like a man, with quiet masculinity, remarkable determination, and fortitude. That’s how I will remember his honorable clash with a so-called woman’s disease. And that’s how I will model my own journey into the unknown. May God strengthen us all as we aim to look our weaknesses straight in the eye.
My next breast MRI is slated for June. I will continue to confront my worries head-on. I’m fairly confident the reactions will keep coming, but so will my grit and resolve. I am my father’s daughter after all.
Photo by Zac Durant on Unsplash
2 thoughts on “Facing Breast Cancer Like a Man”
Thank you for this loving reflection and tribute to your Italian Dad, Mary Jo. I have one too, now 96, frail physically and mentally. We lose part of him each day, but love him all the more. You’ve moved me deeply. May God bless and strengthen you.
My Italian dad would have been 92 this month. Your father and mine were contemporaries- a remarkable generation! Thank you for the kind words… I just said a prayer for you and your pops.